This past week and a half I have been in a funk of sorts. From the outside, I've been trying to hide that. I post my gratitude posts on Facebook, post how happy I am with my runs on Twitter and put cute pictures up on Instagram. However, that's just part of the story.
There's so much more going on personally. I haven't been feeling unhappy necessarily, but more unsettled, on edge and critical. Very critical of my body, the food I'm eating and my workouts. On edge about everything. Unsettled with where I am in my life.
Here's the truth - my life isn't always happiness, rainbows and butterflies.
So what's brought this funk on?
Next week will be the start of the holiday season and Saturday will be my birthday. Last year at this time, I was planning an amazing birthday with someone special. Or something that I thought was someone special.
I was so busy planning my birthday, shopping for a beautiful dress and planning future holidays with this someone special, that I never took the time to focus on the fact that it was my first holiday season alone because I didn't feel alone. I saw a future with this person, and that was a great distraction from facing my first holidays as a widow.
This year is the complete opposite. I am very much alone. This holiday season will just be Mercedes and me putting up the tree, shopping and wrapping presents, and traveling to my parents' house. Now, this isn't necessarily a BAD thing. It just means that this is the first holiday season that I'm truly facing alone.
And that puts me in a funk. I don't know how else to describe it. I know I just need to shake myself out of it and I'm trying, I really am, but I don't know what it's going to take to fully get out of it other than time. Embracing that I'm single and alone, and that's okay.
My life might not be perfectly happy right now, and I know that I'll get through this.
Until next time~