Grief is a funny thing. I don't mean in a haha type of way by any means. It creeps up on you when you least expect it. All of the sudden you'll be hit with memories, haunted by final last scenes and flooded with tears. Haunted, that's the worst.
There are many times I thought I would think of Rod, days that would be more difficult - Christmas, his birthday and, of course, the anniversary of his death. However, I had very little difficulties with those. I thought of Rod, but with more positive memories. I ensured I was surrounded by my family and I've made it through everything. Until tonight.
Why? I don't know. The movie I was watching ended and I turned on some music and my mind wandered. I started thinking about something someone had said to me recently about using weight loss and my food "obsession" to push away dealing with my real feelings with Rod's passing. Then my mind drifted to how a friend recently told me that death was easier to deal with than divorce. (Which, by the way, don't ever tell a widow. I've never been divorced and hope to never be, but the two things are not comparable. Let's just say they both suck in their own ways.) And all of the sudden, I was brought back to that night. Images, scenes, from that nightmare keep flashing in my head, and the tears are flowing. Shouldn't I be past this??
I've moved on with my life. I've spent this last year figuring out me - who I am, finding Kristine again. I did the grieving part. Why, 14 months later, am I feeling this? Why is that nightmare flashing through my mind?
Sometimes I wonder if I've really dealt with everything. The effect his death and that night had on me, my mindset and my emotional well being. I've never talked about that night other than telling the facts to the police, the EMTs, my beautiful friend, Amber, my parents and Rod's family. No one else knows what I saw, what I experienced. I pushed all of that aside. I felt that was necessary for me to deal with the grief and to move on with life.
Right now, I just don't know. All I know is tonight I feel very much alone, very sad and very haunted. I know I'll be okay. I just need to get through this.
|A good thing to remember!|