Saturday, May 4, 2013

And I Thought I Was Past the Grief

Grief is a funny thing. I don't mean in a haha type of way by any means. It creeps up on you when you least expect it. All of the sudden you'll be hit with memories, haunted by final last scenes and flooded with tears. Haunted, that's the worst.

There are many times I thought I would think of Rod, days that would be more difficult - Christmas, his birthday and, of course, the anniversary of his death. However, I had very little difficulties with those. I thought of Rod, but with more positive memories. I ensured I was surrounded by my family and I've made it through everything. Until tonight.

Why? I don't know. The movie I was watching ended and I turned on some music and my mind wandered. I started thinking about something someone had said to me recently about using weight loss and my food "obsession" to push away dealing with my real feelings with Rod's passing. Then my mind drifted to how a friend recently told me that death was easier to deal with than divorce. (Which, by the way, don't ever tell a widow. I've never been divorced and hope to never be, but the two things are not comparable. Let's just say they both suck in their own ways.) And all of the sudden, I was brought back to that night. Images, scenes, from that nightmare keep flashing in my head, and the tears are flowing. Shouldn't I be past this??

I've moved on with my life. I've spent this last year figuring out me - who I am, finding Kristine again. I did the grieving part. Why, 14 months later, am I feeling this? Why is that nightmare flashing through my mind? 

Sometimes I wonder if I've really dealt with everything. The effect his death and that night had on me, my mindset and my emotional well being. I've never talked about that night other than telling the facts to the police, the EMTs, my beautiful friend, Amber, my parents and Rod's family. No one else knows what I saw, what I experienced. I pushed all of that aside. I felt that was necessary for me to deal with the grief and to move on with life. 

Right now, I just don't know. All I know is tonight I feel very much alone, very sad and very haunted. I know I'll be okay. I just need to get through this.

A good thing to remember!

3 comments:

  1. I won't pretend to know what losing a romantic partner is like because I don't know, but I have lost people who were very very close to me. And you're right, grief sneaks up on you when you least suspect it. It's sometimes when you're content and happy that you have a fleeting thought of, "I wish that person was here right now" and your emotions flip and crumble.

    Even though I know it's cliche and doesn't totally help when you're feeling lonely...I'm going to say it anyway. You're not alone in how you feel. I'm sending warm thoughts your way and hoping today is a better day.

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  2. Hi Kristine. To be honest, I don't really know what to even say to this. I think it's ok to cry, I think it's ok that sometimes you think of him and you miss him, and hopefully that will never stop..... I don't know what it's like to lose someone that close to you, but I think however you decide to grieve is ok with anyone. :) Thinking of you <3

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  3. Hello Kristine.. I stumbled upon your blog... I don't even know how I ended up here, but I am glad I did.. I am lucky to still have my husband and I cannot even begin to tell you how sorry I am about your loss. Grief is such a painful process and to be honest I don't think it ever goes away 100%. I have had my share of loss in life, not a husband, but family, and eventhough many years have past it just won't go away.. I dont mean I am depressed all day or anything.. of course I move on with life, but there times, like yours, that grief pays its visit. I think it's normal..

    Be well..

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