Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Running, Going Grain Free and MyFitnessPal

Happy rainy Wednesday! Well, rainy if you live in Minnesota! We haven't seen the sun much in the last few day; I miss it! On the bright side, rain is better than snow, and the sun will come out tomorrow!

I actually got out for my first solo run on Monday during the little bit of sunshine we did have before all the rain came. I didn't feel great about it. I took some walk breaks and my loop ended up being a little less than two miles. However, I had a good friend remind me that at least I got out there and ran, and she said I did pretty well. So that's good to hear! I know every day will get better. Tomorrow I meet with some friends for another run and I think that will be good; I run better with a buddy!

And I need to keep this in mind!

I've really been working on loving and accepting my body (see this post), but some days are really difficult, as I'm sure many of you can agree! I've been working out so hard, eating a tight diet and still feel as if I have this huge stomach. I thought Pilates and all my planks would help, but I still don't see the definition I want to see. And bikini season is right around the corner! Now, I realize that some of this is perception; I don't see myself as the size that I am. However, I do feel as if there is something in my diet that is causing this. Or possibly I'm working out too much and eating too little. Here is what I'm doing to try to help ...

Going grain free. 
I don't feel as if I necessarily eat a lot of carb heavy foods. I stay away from breads and wheat typically, but I do eat oatmeal every morning for breakfast. I also make protein energy bites with oatmeal. And, as I've declared many times on this blog, have a crazy love for Mexican/ Southwest foods which means lots of things stuffed in a tortilla. I have switched to corn tortillas, but maybe I need to cut those out entirely. But can I? I love them!! I've already switched from oatmeal to eggs and berries in the morning. Last night instead of quinoa in my burrito bowl, I used cauliflower "rice" (surprisingly a good substitute!). I have noticed lately that I feel very heavy when I eat oatmeal and other grains; I just don't know if my body processes them properly so I thought this would be a good thing for me to cut out and test. Wish me luck!

Breaking up with MyFitnessPal.
I think this is the big one for me. A few weeks ago I decided to completely stop tracking what I'm eating and how many calories I'm burning. It was becoming obsessive for me. Every morsel that I ate had to be tracked. And once I reached that 1,200 calorie mark, I couldn't eat more. I would rearrange meals to fit into my calorie/ fat/ protein/ carb numbers. I stopped enjoying food. And I definitely wasn't eating enough for as much as I was exercising. Not good!! I think by stop using MyFitnessPal, I will eat what my body craves and needs. Without obsession or guilt. It already feels freeing! Dear MyFitnessPal, we're breaking up!! I don't need you. I know how to eat, I know what to eat and I no longer need to obsess!

Has anyone else gone grain free? Any tips??

Until next time~

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Gossip and a 5k

It seems as if I have such an interesting life that I have become the subject of gossip (or have been for quite some time, I guess). Thankfully nothing mean, but gossip is gossip and in a way it's all hurtful. Especially since I feel as if I'm being judged by people I thought could be friends and also that I've trusted the wrong people. I hate gossip. And honestly, I don't live an extremely exciting life so why people are so interested in it is beyond me.

I'm trying not to be bothered by hearing that people are talking about me and judging me. These people don't know my life; they know the little snippets of my life that I share on this blog and on Facebook, but what is on social media is not my whole life. Not even close. For some reason, they need to fill in the holes with stories rather than get to know me or ask me. Yes, I'm quiet, reserved and keep many things private, but I'm also friendly, fun and people pleasing so I would rather people talk to me than talk about me. Wouldn't everyone?

What hurts the most, is what the biggest piece of gossip is regarding. Something that teaches me to be even more careful of who I trust, and I already consider myself as someone slow to trust others. A sad lesson to learn about a friend.

However, I need to let it go, not worry. I know who I am. My closest friends and family know who I am. And that person is amazing. :)

Now, onto the fun of the weekend .... I signed up for my first 5k!! It's on June 15th and I'm so excited for it. I have a few weeks to get ready for it and will start running outside at least a couple of days a week to work up to the 3.1 miles. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm ready for a 5k. However, I also know that if I don't have a goal I might not ever do it. So I found a race in my town and just registered without too much thought. I set a goal. A date I need to be ready by. No excuses. I know I can do it!! I've lived my whole life being the opposite of an athlete and I'm proving to myself that I can be an athlete. I can be a runner. So if you're going to gossip about me, gossip about that!!

Until next time~

Friday, May 17, 2013

High Five for Friday

I'm baaack!!! I've been MIA for almost two weeks. Not good! I need to become one of those bloggers who plan out posts during the weekend so I can ensure I'll post three to four times a week. I will do my best to be better!

It's Friday!! This week has flown by for me and I can't believe it's already time to link up with Lauren at Lauren Elizabeth for High Five for Friday. Let's get to the highs of my week!

Last Sunday was Mother's Day. I drove up to my parents' house on Friday late afternoon and spent the weekend with them. I had a wonderful time - on Saturday I treated my mom to lunch, we went to the greenhouse and on Sunday we went to church, then my brother, my dad and I all made lunch. Great times! I love my mom!!

The weather here in Minnesota has definitely been crazy this spring. We actually saw snowflakes on Saturday - brrrr! - and then on Tuesday is was 92 degrees. Told you - crazy! For my snack on Tuesday I made a delicious green smoothie and enjoyed it on my patio in the warm sunshine. I mixed up almond milk, pineapple, strawberries and spinach with vanilla protein powder and ice. Delicious! And it definitely hit the spot on a warm afternoon!

Yesterday I indulged in some retail therapy. Over-indulged probably! In my defense, I have one pair of jeans that actually fit me and only four tees, no tanks or anything for the upcoming summer. So shopping was a necessity!! And I shopped at the outlet mall so that makes it better, right?? At the Gap I picked up a pair of shorts (originally $44.99 and I paid $16.99!) and a cute hot pink tee. Then I went into the Lucky Brand Jeans store; that's where I got into trouble. I picked up two pairs of skinny jeans (which fit me amazingly!) and two shirts - the white one is kind of boho (a look I love!) and a coral tank (to show off my muscular arms!). I can't wait to wear all my new finds.

By the way, I can't believe this is my size. I can't believe this is actually a size!

Last night I finally got out for my first run outside! I have always despised running - I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was going to die, I just hated it. However, my friend Lisa has been helping me find the courage to try it and we went out last night. We just ran about two miles, but I felt as if I could easily do more. 5k here I come!

I hope you all had a great week!
Until next time~

Saturday, May 4, 2013

And I Thought I Was Past the Grief

Grief is a funny thing. I don't mean in a haha type of way by any means. It creeps up on you when you least expect it. All of the sudden you'll be hit with memories, haunted by final last scenes and flooded with tears. Haunted, that's the worst.

There are many times I thought I would think of Rod, days that would be more difficult - Christmas, his birthday and, of course, the anniversary of his death. However, I had very little difficulties with those. I thought of Rod, but with more positive memories. I ensured I was surrounded by my family and I've made it through everything. Until tonight.

Why? I don't know. The movie I was watching ended and I turned on some music and my mind wandered. I started thinking about something someone had said to me recently about using weight loss and my food "obsession" to push away dealing with my real feelings with Rod's passing. Then my mind drifted to how a friend recently told me that death was easier to deal with than divorce. (Which, by the way, don't ever tell a widow. I've never been divorced and hope to never be, but the two things are not comparable. Let's just say they both suck in their own ways.) And all of the sudden, I was brought back to that night. Images, scenes, from that nightmare keep flashing in my head, and the tears are flowing. Shouldn't I be past this??

I've moved on with my life. I've spent this last year figuring out me - who I am, finding Kristine again. I did the grieving part. Why, 14 months later, am I feeling this? Why is that nightmare flashing through my mind? 

Sometimes I wonder if I've really dealt with everything. The effect his death and that night had on me, my mindset and my emotional well being. I've never talked about that night other than telling the facts to the police, the EMTs, my beautiful friend, Amber, my parents and Rod's family. No one else knows what I saw, what I experienced. I pushed all of that aside. I felt that was necessary for me to deal with the grief and to move on with life. 

Right now, I just don't know. All I know is tonight I feel very much alone, very sad and very haunted. I know I'll be okay. I just need to get through this.

A good thing to remember!