It's been six months since Rod passed away. Most days it feels like so long ago, and I think, really, only six months?? I think that's my brain's way of dealing with it all. But some days, like this weekend and today, I am haunted by the memories. And not the good memories. The memories of that night, March 4th; the bad and scary memories. When this happens, I have a hard time and I'm faced with so much sadness and bitterness. I realize that I'm in charge of my own feelings (so everyone, please stop telling me this), but sometimes even the strongest people can't choose to be happy. Sadness is a part of life, and you need to let me be sad on occasion.
So many people are telling me to keep my chin up, be strong, be brave, and I do that pretty much every single day, but sometimes that's difficult to do. Sometimes I just want to slap the next person who tells me that. (And I'm not a violent person!) I feel like everyone around me is allowed to have bad or sad days, but not me. Everyone always wants me to smile through it, not show my pain or sadness. But guess what?? I have bad days. I have sad days. I don't sit at home crying all day, but I still feel sad sometimes. And on those days, don't give me some BS line about shaking it off and being strong. Just give me hug. Ask me to go out for a drink or some ice cream. I know that through this whole thing, I have put on a brave face. I have smiled through my pain and rarely showed anyone my tears. But that doesn't mean I always have to be brave and happy. I'm tired of being expected to be the strong one all the time.
Like I said, I'm bitter. I'm having a few bad days. Please don't judge; you'll never understand until it happens to you. And I hope you don't have to go through what I've had to go through. Tomorrow is a new day. A day when I can hopefully choose to be happy. But for today, on the date that marks just six months since I lost my husband, I am sad.