Monday, June 25, 2012

On the Ledge

After your spouse dies, how do you know how to move on with your life while still honoring your spouse? Right now I feel as if I'm standing on a ledge, balancing my life between grieving and moving on. Struggling with knowing what's right and when it's okay to let go.

I feel bogged down with worry about people thinking that I'm moving on too soon. Not honoring my life with Rod properly. 

At the same time, I feel like I'm ready to go out and meet new people. Start having fun again. Maybe not date quite yet, but just get out there in the world and feel pretty and happy. Things I haven't felt in a long time.

I'm just scared about getting back out there. Scared about what people will think. Scared about telling people that I'm a widow. Just scared.

For now, I'm trying to get out there and do things on my own. I went out to dinner for the first time by myself a couple of weeks ago. I'm trying to find something to do on weekends so I'm not sitting at home.

I need to figure out who I am as the former "Mrs. Torkelson." Because I don't feel like a Mrs. anymore. But I don't feel like my single self any more either. Who am I now without Rod? And will figuring that out hurt my memory of Rod and our life together?

How do I let go and float off this ledge?

Photo found here.

8 comments:

  1. You need to think about what Rod would want you to be - and that's Happy. So Everyone is always going to have an opinion about your personal decisions honey. But that's why they are "personal" decisions, You need to make decisions for your best interest, not someone's opinion of what your life should be. Remember Rod would want you to be happy, it's why he married you.

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    1. Thank you for your super sweet comment! I just hate feeling that I'm being judged about how I'm dealing with this situation.

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  2. I agree with Lis, do what feels right to you. Don't worry about others opinions. They aren't you and what they would do might not be what you should be doing. When its right it will feel right.

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  3. Do want you feel is right, not what others think you should feel. I think I am past that part and have been spending alot of time with an exceptional male friend of mine. Don't let others judge you or tell you what to do. You will know when things feel right to you. Those that feel that they need to judge have no idea what we are going through. There are still hard days, but life does go on and Rod would want you to be happy as Todd would I. Take care

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    1. Good for you, Cherri! And thanks for sharing that! I do have to remember to live my life for me and stop worrying about other people. Most of them don't understand this situation. One of the hardest things is just finding my identity. But I'm working on that every day!

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  4. Kristine, I don't personally know you, but I read your blog daily and so I feel like I do. I agree with all the other comments. I truly believe God never closes one door, without opening another. Rod would want you to be happy, as you would if the tables were turned. Don't worry about what others think. You go with your heart and it will be right. God bless you !!

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  5. Kristine, I don't know you personally either (I was a classmate of Rob's). I lost the father of my children (ex-husband) to suicide in December. We divorced many years ago but remained friends and lived within a mile of each other. People that tell me or hint that I shouldn't even be grieving my loss to start with because we were divorced or for the ones who tell me I should be over it, are no longer on the close friend/family list. I had to stop associating with people (as much) that didn't quite understand, not to be mean but because it made me confused as to what I was feeling. I had to be selfish and take care of myself and my boys and I have realized that I am MUCH happier now. The kids and I have moved on, for the most part, but we have our days, the wishing for more time (I am sure you know what I mean) but no one can tell us when it is okay or "time" to move on. Do it when you are ready and if today is the day....then embrace it. Life is short, we have all realized that. We need to live for ourselves, we need to do what feels right to us. Best wishes to you in your journey! (PS I love reading your blogs, thanks for sharing).

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    1. Thank you so much for your sweet comments! And I'm sorry for your loss as well. I am moving on little by little, and am working on ignoring negative comments!

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