There are times that I love living alone. I love being able to watch what I want on TV. Being able to make what I want to eat for dinner. Having a dance party in the living room when I'm bored at night. Chasing the dogs around in circles without anyone thinking I'm crazy.
However, I find that I am also very lonely at times. I don't have anyone to eat dinner with, or go out with for drinks and dinner when I don't feel like cooking. Someone to discuss my day with. Someone to curl up and watch a movie with. Someone to pound on the wall when the neighbor's surround sound rattles the wall. Someone to hug me. Someone just to be here.
I have a few friends who have been wonderful - taking time out of their lives to go see a movie with me. To text me late into the evening. To call me to see how I'm doing. But, many of my friends are too busy with their own lives, their own families, their own significant others, to take time to hang out. Those friends who I thought would be there for me through this whole process just can't seem to take the time to say hello and see if I need anything. They can't even take one evening out of their own lives to meet for a drink. So most days I sit at home alone.
I'm starting to feel like the loser in high school. The one who sat alone in the cafeteria during lunch time. Everyone is having fun all around me while I'm sitting on my own reading a book. When all I want is for someone to take notice of me and invite me to the fun.
I don't know how to handle this part. I don't know how to go out and meet new people. I feel to old to go out to the bar. And I'm too scared to go on my own. This is where my shyness, my tendency to be introverted, gets the best of me.