Today I've been struggling with doing things at the "right" time or handling everything the "right" way. I'm not saying that there is a right way, but I feel as if I'm not doing the things the right way. I feel as if people think I'm doing things too soon, or just not behaving the way I'm "supposed" to be.
Yesterday I started to go through Rod's clothes in the closet. I kept tripping over the basket of laundry on the bottom of the closet and cursing him for not putting his clothes away after I did laundry. I know that probably sounds stupid, but just try to put yourself in my shoes for a moment - I trip over the laundry basket of perfectly folded clothes, get mad at Rod, then remember that he didn't have time to put them away. My thought process isn't logical all the time.
So ... rather than worry about tripping over the laundry basket, or wait for the pile that kept growing bigger to topple over, I decided to go through his clothes. I took everything off the hangers and out of the basket and made piles around my office - things I want to keep, things his parents might want and donations. Somehow going through it all made me feel better; I was doing something. But then, someone made a comment, "you're doing that already?". Well, yes. Is that wrong? How long am I supposed to wait? How long am I supposed to stare at these clothes that he'll never wear again? Is there a right time for me to start going through his things?
Then, comes the big debate of how long to wear my engagement and wedding rings. This is something I wrestle with on a daily basis. I know some people wear them for years and years, and others take them off right away. Two days ago I took mine off and placed them, with Rod's wedding ring, on top of his urn. It just seemed like the right place for them at that moment. But, I worry that people will see my hand and think I did it too soon. That I'm moving on, when all I'm doing is trying to not be reminded every second of the promise for a lifetime together that isn't coming true. Maybe I did remove them too soon; I don't know.