Wednesday, April 4, 2012

One Month

Today marks one month that I lost my husband, Rod. He passed away so suddenly and so quietly that it took me a long time to believe that he really did go. For the first couple of weeks I thought he was on an extended vacation and would come home any moment. I blocked out what happened that early Sunday morning on March 4th ... finding him, calling 911 hysterically, all the cop cars and ambulance that blocked the street and woke up the neighbors, the people coming in and out of my house that I didn't know, people asking me questions that I couldn't think of the answer to, waking my parents up at 4 a.m., praying to God that everything would be okay and not being able to say goodbye. I felt like I was watching myself in a movie; it didn't seem real. 

Now, a month later, it still doesn't seem real. Although I have reached the understanding that it was. I still don't think of that Sunday morning; I can't dwell on the images that will otherwise haunt me. I have many, many sad moments every day, but after allowing myself to be sad, I think of the memories that made our life together great. 

I remember our first dance at our wedding, and the look of love in his eyes.
I remember the day we went to pick up Mercedes, and how he fell in love with her in an instant.
I remember how he would pick up Cold Stone ice cream for me when I was having a bad day.
I remember how happy he was when I surprised him with a new diecast car for his birthday this year when he didn't think I had bought him anything.
I remember all the movies we went and saw together.
I remember how he would text me throughout the day just to check in and say hello.
I remember that he told me he loved me every day.

I can't change what happened. I have to hold on to the faith that God has a plan and that I'll be okay. I have to remember that Rod knows that I love him with all my heart and that he loves me. I have to remember that even though I feel alone, Rod is with me every day; he's in my heart, trying to heal the broken pieces. I know that I will have many challenging days ahead of me and many more tears, but through it all, Rod will still be with me to guide me through it.

1 comment:

  1. Fantastic post, Kris. You stay strong, I know you can do this. What happened sucks, but you can do it.