Thursday, April 19, 2012

Forgiving Myself

Throughout these last six and a half weeks I have put a lot of pressure on myself to do things right. To not offend anyone else. To grieve the proper way. Today I want to let go of that pressure. I need to do things for me right now, and forgive myself of the things that I've been holding on to these last few weeks.

Forgive myself for not saying "I love you" to Rod before we went to bed. He fell asleep on the couch; I can't change the fact that I couldn't talk to him before bedtime.

Forgive myself for not checking on Rod sooner. It wouldn't have changed anything.

Forgive myself for not being a big, crying mess. I don't know why, but when I hear "grieving widow" I think that I should be curled up in a ball, not being able to get out of bed. I constantly put pressure on myself to grieve "properly," but is there really a "proper" way?

Forgive myself for taking my rings off already even though some might say it's too soon.

Forgive myself for having fun.

Forgive myself for not feeling obligated to talk to the neighbor every day who drives me crazy. I need to be okay with putting distance between this person who says inappropriate things and myself, even if it hurts her feelings right now, because she will never understand the hurt I'm feeling.

Forgive myself for being angry. 

Forgive myself for leaving some things to be taken care of later, and not feel obligated to take care of everything right now.

Forgive myself for spending money on me. I spent less than $20 at Ulta today on beauty products and berated myself over it when I got home.

Forgive myself for the guilt that I'm feeling. This one is a tough one. I feel so much guilt over so many things that I constantly feel weighed down by it. This is definitely a work in progress.

I constantly put myself and my actions down, afraid I'm going to hurt someone. I put so much pressure on myself to do this (grieving) perfectly; to be the perfect widow. I feel as if I can't make a mistake and that I can't do something wrong. 

However, in life there are mistakes. And right now, I'm trying to go on living ... to figure out how to live my life without Rod, and I'm going to make mistakes. I'm going to make people mad or disappoint them. Putting so much pressure on myself is only making me even more unhappy and I need to let go of that. Forgive and move on to what's next in my life.

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