Back in March when Rod first passed away, I had a few people who had gone through this type of situation previously give me advice on what to expect. They told me to expect extreme sadness and depression, feeling like I was in a fog and working on auto-pilot, guilt, and eventually being angry. At that point in my foggy state I couldn't imagine feeling angry with Rod. I thought that I would skip that step, go from fogginess, to sadness, to guilt, but then be okay. However, this past weekend all I felt was anger.
Friday night I laid awake worrying about my financial state. I worried about surviving on one paycheck, where I could find a second job so I don't have to move, and most of all, how I was going to sell Rod's car that no one seems to want. I woke up that next morning with a major headache and feeling exhausted. I then went to file my taxes, and TurboTax wouldn't let me e-file no matter what I did. I was already stressed out about the amount I have to pay in and not being able to e-file stressed me out even more.
Then, I got angry. I took my dogs for a walk and all they did was bark at everyone outside. I came back in and yelled. I eventually yelled at Rod for leaving me with all this financial stress. How am I expected to pay everything on just my paycheck? How am I supposed to sell his car? How am I supposed to survive without him by my side through all this? How could he just leave me???
The anger never subsided over the weekend. Yesterday all I wanted to do was yell - yell at the neighbors for constantly slamming their door every time they walk in or out of it, yell at the person who left their dog tied up outside who barked at my dogs like crazy when I tried to get the mail and no one came to get it, yell at TurboTax for not helping with why I couldn't e-file.
But I didn't yell. I didn't stick my head out the window and yell at the neighbor (however tempting that is!). I didn't yell at TurboTax. I didn't throw things. Instead I curled up in a ball and cried. Cried for the loss of my partner who helped me through all this, who helped me pay the bills, who helped me through the stress.
At the end of the day yesterday I still felt angry. I didn't know how to deal with it. I wanted to throw things, to break things, to scream. But, if you know me, that's not what I do. I felt so wound up, stressed out and to the breaking point. Then, I read someone's blog post about dealing with a divorce and saw this quote that somehow made me feel a little bit better: