Wednesday, March 21, 2012

A Shattered World

This March has been the toughest month of my life. On March 4th, my heart was broken and my world was shattered. My husband passed away at 3:30am that Sunday. His death was very unexpected, very sudden, and very, very sad. He died of a massive heart attack in our home. He was only 40 years old.

Finding Rod early that Sunday was the worst moment of my life, and having to plan his funeral was the second. How do you plan a funeral when you've never talked about it? Never imagined that it would come this soon?

Every day I have to remind myself that he is gone. There are many, many times that I have called out to him, or reached for my phone to send him a quick text. Then I remember that he won't answer, or isn't there.

I am taking it day by day. Going through the motions to get things done that have to be done. Most days I want to stay in bed, but I force myself to get up, eat breakfast, take a shower and walk the dogs. I am so very sad, but my life is still going on and I can't hide forever. A few things keep me going every day: 
~ My dogs. They have to be fed, walked and demand attention.
~ My family, friends and neighbors. I have amazing people in my life that check in on me every day.
~ Knowing that God has a plan. I don't understand it yet, and I really don't like it, but God has a reason. 

I miss Rod's story telling, his jokes, his smile, hearing about his day and, most of all, his hugs. I miss him every second, every minute, every hour of every day.


  1. I cried reading this. You have a tremendous amount of strength to handle this as well as you are, and I admire you for it. My heart aches for you every day, and I often find myself praying that God will put a comforting hand over you. I know I tell you this every day, but don't hesitate to let me know if you need anything. I'm more than happy to be there whenever you need it. Hugs and Prayers.

  2. My heart is breaking for you. I am praying for you right this moment - may God wrap His arms around you and give you an extra portion of His Love.

  3. oh my goodness. i just found your blog and i'm sitting here in tears and i don't even know you. you have a wonderful heart and God has such a huge plan for you... i know it. keep strong and know that you are beautiful inside and out.

  4. Hi,
    I just found your blog. And I read this article. I have tears in my eyes. But yes, God is here and He gives you strenght every day.
    Have a nice day :)

  5. This absolutely broke my heart; I cannot stop crying. Kudos to you for putting your true feelings on the internet and, more importantly, for trusting in God that He has an amazing plan for your life. I have no doubt that others who have lost are reading your blog and taking comfort in your positivity in the midst of this turmoil. Keep trusting in God, and the rest will fall into place. I'm saying a prayer of peace for you right now! <3