Saturday, March 31, 2012

Feeling Lost

I just don't know what to do with myself or my time without Rod in my life. We obviously didn't spend every minute together, but most of our free time was spent together. We were one of those annoying couples who would rather do things together than on our own. Now, as evening and nighttime comes, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I can't concentrate on TV - everything just seems silly or stupid - and all my friends are out with their loved ones. I just sit at home alone with the puppies, waiting for Rod to come back to us.

Yesterday was a very bad day. At one point I collapsed on the couch with heaving sobs. I just couldn't stop crying. So I woke up this morning knowing that today had to be better than yesterday. I forced myself to get out of the house, at least for a few hours. I went to Target and picked up two more curtain panels to completely cover the patio door, I went to Pier 1 and looked around, then went to American Eagle to try on some clothes. It felt like I was gone for hours. By the time I got back home, I realized that I was only gone for an hour and a half! Tonight I decided that I wanted to get some food rather than cook up another boring meal and I made my way to Acapulco. I sat down and ordered a margarita and at that moment, I knew I no longer wanted to be there. I hated being there on my own. I quickly put in my to go order and left as soon as it was ready. I felt like I didn't want to be there, but at the same time I didn't want to be home alone again.

And now it's 9 p.m. on a Saturday night. I see on Facebook and can hear outside my window that most everyone else is going out with their families or friends and having fun, and I'm in my sweats not knowing what to do with myself. Feeling jealous of the people who are having fun because I don't know how to have fun like that anymore. And I feel like a burden asking someone to do something with me. I try to put on a brave, smiling face when I'm around other people, but I know I'm just dragging them down, probably making them feel uncomfortable whenever I bring up Rod's name. 

It's been 27 days ... and things are not getting easier without Rod. I just feel lost without him.

1 comment:

  1. I read your updates all of the time and my heart breaks for you. I can't imagine your pain. I have never lost a spouse but I remeber when I lost my mom having a sense of jealousy or anger that everyone else mourned and moved on yet I was still grieving and had guilt about moving on. After a lot of time, the routine of life did allow me to make her a part of my everyday without the intense pain but I miss her today like I did when it first happened. Don't feel bad for leaning on the ones that love you, thats is why you have them in your life, and let yourself cry when it hurts.